Written By: Sandy Marin, AMFT #151120
Supervised By: Elle Hennessee, LMFT #126090
Communication is at the heart of our relationships—but not all communication styles are created equal. The way we express ourselves (or don’t) can impact how we connect with others, set boundaries, and get our needs met. The good news? Communication is a skill you can learn and strengthen over time.
Common Communication Styles
1. Passive Communication
Passive communicators often avoid expressing their needs or feelings. They may prioritize others to the point of neglecting themselves, struggle to say no, or fear conflict.
What it can look like:
Saying “it’s fine” when it’s not
Avoiding difficult conversations
Feeling resentful or unheard
2. Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication involves expressing needs in a way that may disregard others’ feelings or boundaries. It can come across as blaming, demanding, or confrontational.
What it can look like:
Raising your voice or interrupting
Using blame (“You always…” “You never…”)
Prioritizing winning over understanding
3. Passive-Aggressive Communication
This style expresses discomfort or frustration indirectly. Instead of addressing issues openly, feelings may come out through sarcasm, avoidance, or subtle digs.
What it can look like:
Giving the silent treatment
Making sarcastic comments
Saying one thing but meaning another
4. Assertive Communication (The Goal)
Assertive communication is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully—while also considering the other person. It balances honesty with empathy.
What it can look like:
Using calm, direct language
Setting boundaries without guilt
Listening and responding with respect
How to Start Expressing Your Needs in a Healthy Way
Drawing from principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), here are some simple steps to help you communicate more assertively:
1. Observe Without Judgment
Start by describing the situation without adding criticism or assumptions.
Instead of: “You never listen to me”
Try: “When I was talking earlier, I noticed you were on your phone”
2. Name Your Feelings
Connect with and express how you feel.
“I felt frustrated and a bit hurt”
3. Identify Your Needs
What’s underneath the feeling?
“I think I was needing more attention and connection in that moment”
4. Make a Clear, Respectful Request
Ask for what you need in a specific, actionable way.
“Would you be willing to put your phone away when we’re having a conversation?”
Helpful Tips to Practice
Use “I” statements to take ownership of your experience
Keep it simple and direct—you don’t have to over-explain
Practice tolerating discomfort—assertiveness can feel unfamiliar at first
Remember: expressing your needs is not selfish—it’s part of healthy relationships
Be open to dialogue—communication is a two-way process
Final Thoughts
Learning to communicate assertively takes time, practice, and patience with yourself. You don’t have to get it perfect—just more honest and intentional.
Your voice matters. Your needs matter. And you deserve to express them in a way that feels clear, respectful, and true to you.
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